!!!

The Shit has hit the fan friends! I'm rushing to fill out paperwork and take classes. All of this from an angry remark from the Ex.

I'm not Divorced.

I have no legal protection from him aside for precident. He's allowed this because he looks horrid on paper and knows he has no legal leg to stand on. He's angry now though, and when he's angry he's irrational. This weekend he threatned to file himself  for 50/50 custody because he was angry about the custody arrangement we have.

Not to worry, he has not a single chance of getting anything he's demanding. Piper and I are both safe. I just need to get my butt in gear. I heard his idle threat as a call for action. I am scrambling to dot the i's and cross the t's.

Sadly that leaves little time for blogging. I'll be here when I can but I hope you understand I won't be participating at the level I wish.

Mama Bear is on the scene! Wish me luck!

The in laws or the "out" laws

My in laws suck. I understand that I left their son and all but did they have to drop me like a hot potato? The people have not reached out to me even once! I have sent letters and emails. I MAILED a freakin' letter people, old school. Nada. Nothing. Zip.  Some character back round : in laws run their own Baptist church if that helps paint the picture,  FIL is the preacher and MIL is the preachers wife. Their relationship with their son is estranged and they have always kept him and us at arms length. Yet, I have comforted his mother after the loss of her youngest son. I have encouraged contact, invested in them with time, effort, and heart. I left Pie's Dad in September. My birthday is in October. Did the in laws send a card? You guess. No really, what do you think? Yeah, you're right they didn't.

I know in their eyes I am a hedonist whom has made bad choices in life but I am raising their granddaughter. They understand our challenges because their daughter (SIL) is also raising a child with autism. I just don't understand their distance and lack of interest.

I want the idyllic family life. My family is crazy in a very real way and I cannot have healthy relationships with them. I have boundaries instead. I long for deep connections, shared history, loving acceptance and maybe that doesn't exist. I certainly haven't found it with anyone aside from my daughter. I was hopeful that I would forge a new relationship with the in laws after I split with Piper's father. I guess that's the irritation, that it just doesn't seem like it's possible or that they are interested. It makes me sad for Piper and for myself. I feel like I'm a good person but I begin to doubt it because of this lack of family. I feel it implies to others that I'm somehow soiled , or tarnished "her own family doesn't want her" they must think.

I suppose it doesn't truly matter. I have many loving relationships with good people who support me. At the end of the day isn't that what life is all about? I guess it's the Holiday's and all that Hallmark expectation and crap that's got me musing.

Bah! It's more fun to be an "outlaw" anyway!

The return of Jerkwad part 1

Soooo, with no warning but my dreams TA DA! Jerkwad has returned! How do I know? Why a text message at 1130am that says:  Can I come over for a few minutes this evening? I want to see Piper.   He's been 1000 miles away for over a month. Piper has settled into her routine. She's been doing so well. I am afraid that his return will capsize the fragile peace we've carved for ourselves.


 BLARG! I want to pretend this isn't happening to me.

She has missed him. I don't want to shut him out of her life, but he's really off kilter and I'm not comfortable with him being alone with her, he's unstable and not thinking clearly. Pie has no sense of danger and is inappropriately social, with every one. Can you say major recipe for disaster? I knew you could! I agree to let him see her because I know he loves her and I am hoping he will respect the boundaries I  am setting. Ahh, hope that's the old stinger for me; I keep hoping and hope keeps biting me in the arse.

Despite the surprise, I offered to meet him in a public place for a kid friendly dinner.


Jerkwad: after 6pm?

Me: that's too late for us, more like 5

Jerkwad: the earliest I can make it is 5:45

Me: (silent scream) looks like tonight won't work then, how about tomorrow at 5?

Jerkwad: what's the problem? I wouldn't think 45 mins would make that much difference


Me:

Jerkwad: I'm not trying to be difficult I just want to give you this stuff from my sister and visit with Pipes for a few minutes. Okay?

Me: I don't see why I should make accommodations to our schedule when you are unwilling to do the same. 5 is what works today or tomorrow.

Jerkwad: what about Wednesday then or are you too f'n busy that day too?

Me: Wednesday will not work. We have plans. (I was trying to be nice A@@hole and now you're trying to bully me? What else do you have to do? You don't have a job!!)

Jerkwad:  Will you please call me so we can talk about this?

Me: no. I don't see what there is to discuss. You didn't give me any warning. We are living a life. We have a schedule. I can offer you tomorrow at 5.

Jerkwad: Why are you unwilling to communicate? I'm not trying to be a dick. I just want to see my little girl.

Me: I am not unwilling to communicate. I am.

Jerkwad: Fine. I'll be there tomorrow. But I can't help but think you're doing this out of spite. You know Piper wants to see her dad. I didn't think you were like that

Me: ok we will see you at 5 at ___, and ___.

Jerkwad: thanks I guess

Tonight's the meet up. I am hoping for a quick visit that will satisfy his desire to see her. I am not planing on granting him anymore time with her outside of school.  In my opinion his visits must be supervised and I don't want to do it. Once the paperwork is filled and the judge hears our case then the court can decide, for now I'm just doing my best. It sucks.  

Stay tuned.....

I dream of Jerkwad aka my ex

I had a nightmare last night.   The details are foggy and hazy but I remember the feelings, so forgive me.

There were new "rules" about to be implemented that would prevent me from raising Piper (???) so we had to leave before the "rules" changed. I had all this luggage to prepare and it delayed me so we missed the deadline.  I decided to sneak her away with me Mama Bear style,  and it was chaotic just trying to keep her with me (yup just like our waking life) and then I woke up in a panic.

I'm pretty sure I am subconsiously worried about Jerkwad coming back. He's been hinting for the past 2 weeks , no longer talking about "getting his shit together", instead talking about returning to his "only friend left" (read enabler) whom has offered herself as a refuge in his storm. Awesome.

I cannot bend, I cannot break, I cannot let my co-dependent ways of my past over rule my thinking.  I will protect Piper and I will not let him bully me. I won't! I am not going to allow him to steal my peace.  These past few months I finaly felt safe and have slowly started to unravel the mass of emotions and hurts I've stuffed away for so many years. I refuse to go back to that world of pain and abuse. The idea of having him here again is terrifying. 

I will remain calm and I will not let him have any power over me. I will bend like a reed in the wind and I will not break.

I might need to read this  post over and over to myself though. That's okay right?