Missing

I want to preface this rant with : I am glad I left my marriage and I KNOW it was the right choice.  It's been a year since I left him. A milestone that means I'm looking back.

I've been missing.

I miss partnership. I am envious of couple hood. My marriage wasn't perfect but he did take out the garbage. He understood my sighs. We shared a history. I miss that. I miss familiar. In the end, though he wasn't much of a partner, I pretended he was and took comfort that I could at least ask for help. I don't have that now. I have something I feel is better. I am happier. Mostly I like what I see. I've come a long way baby and so on and so forth.Yet that kernel of feeling is there. A tiny irritation.

I will never have the 20 year marriage. I have let go those dreams of growing old with my husband, my best friend. That sucks. I did everything right. I was a good wife and mother. I was a good partner. I stood by my man just like Patsy Cline directed. Until I couldn't any longer. I'm pissed that he failed to live up to his end of the bargain. I deserved better than that and so did Piper.

I'm in my mid 30's and the idea of starting over in that way seems ridiculous to me.  I'm not sure I can ever trust again or that I want to. I'm sure a woman in midlife raising a child with autism with a potentially volatile ex is what every man is looking for these days, right?

The feeling remains.

I will feel and be grateful this one isn't a frequent visitor.

Weeeee!

Summer is almost over!!! Here in the Northwest the weather has already given in and we're seeing cool temps and leaves falling.

I'm scared for my baby. About a month ago we began talking about school. Two weeks ago the behaviors began revving up and they haven't shown any sign of letting up. Piper's stim's from a full two years ago showed up for the party. Good times.

What is there to be so nervous about?

Everything.

New school, new teacher, and a new daycare.

Poor Piper. She's not enjoying being dsyregulated either.  She was echolalicly stimming a line from her favorite documentary of the moment I tried redirecting her and then asked "are you able to stop?" and the look she gave me was one of  I wish I could and she said "no, I can't Mommy". Broke. My. Heart.

I'm not feeling any less anxious as there have been several last minute major snafu's perpetrated by her school district and her new teacher whom we've never met hasn't bothered to return my calls to set up a before the first day meeting.  I'm not inspired or excited and if I wasn't the sole financial support for this child I would be homeschooling. Color me NOT impressed.

The only reason I am happy about going back to school is that it means her father wont be at my house every day to care for Pie. He's been staying with her at my house while school's been out. I set up a kind of "camp" for them with weekly activities. He has even taught her to read and speak more than 50 Spanish vocabulary words. She has enjoyed him being more involved and I am happy to hear speak with pride about her Dad.

Mixed blessings. I guess I am used to that.

I for one hate this time of year. BAH! Here's to the speedy arrival of October, friends. I raise my glass to you!