Missing

I want to preface this rant with : I am glad I left my marriage and I KNOW it was the right choice.  It's been a year since I left him. A milestone that means I'm looking back.

I've been missing.

I miss partnership. I am envious of couple hood. My marriage wasn't perfect but he did take out the garbage. He understood my sighs. We shared a history. I miss that. I miss familiar. In the end, though he wasn't much of a partner, I pretended he was and took comfort that I could at least ask for help. I don't have that now. I have something I feel is better. I am happier. Mostly I like what I see. I've come a long way baby and so on and so forth.Yet that kernel of feeling is there. A tiny irritation.

I will never have the 20 year marriage. I have let go those dreams of growing old with my husband, my best friend. That sucks. I did everything right. I was a good wife and mother. I was a good partner. I stood by my man just like Patsy Cline directed. Until I couldn't any longer. I'm pissed that he failed to live up to his end of the bargain. I deserved better than that and so did Piper.

I'm in my mid 30's and the idea of starting over in that way seems ridiculous to me.  I'm not sure I can ever trust again or that I want to. I'm sure a woman in midlife raising a child with autism with a potentially volatile ex is what every man is looking for these days, right?

The feeling remains.

I will feel and be grateful this one isn't a frequent visitor.