Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Still

I love my daughter. I love her small snoring sounds as I kiss her in the quiet stillness of pre-Dawn. The cat that cannot tolerate her during her waking hours is curled at her feet, content in her nearness and warmth. I creep out silent at 4:30am and drive to work.

I put a smile on my face. I play the part; I'm your biggest fan, your support, the one whose always got your back, your cheerleader. GO TEAM! RA RA RA! I make it look easy, effortless, when in reality it takes every ounce of courage I have to leave her there, sleeping. It is gut wrenching, the need to shield and protect her, it defies reason and leaves me raw. It is like having my heart on the outside of my body, un protected, on display. The guilt is my constant companion. My BFF.

Each night during our bedtime ritual she states ; "mommy no work" with such conviction that I almost believe it myself. I want to believe it. I also want to pay my bills. She remembers the time I didn't work, those blissful 3 years where I was her world and she my only priority (much to her father's dismay). Those days seemed endless then, but end they did. I returned to the workforce when she was three almost four. We were desperate as my Husband hadn't worked for 9 months. I landed the job the day after her evaluation for autism.

I lament the time lost. I HAD all that time and I DIDN'T KNOW what to do with it. I didn't know what I had..... or what she had......

I'm sorry sweet girl, I didn't know.

I'm going to try and make it better. I promise.


  1. Hello, found you via blog gems :)
    Great post, really moving, the description of the emotion you feel is so powerful.
    I feel similarly about my time, I often find it hard to make the most of it now my two are 2 and 4, but I know I will look back and miss these times so much. Catch 22.
    Nice to meet you :)

  2. What a beautiful, powerful kick-off to your blog. I'm glad that Blog Gems nudged me to come see it! Your love for your precious girl shines in every word.

  3. You so put it out there from the very beginning...holy cow. This is gut-wrenching. I wonder what it's like for you to read that now...

  4. Oh that is so hard, I know how hard because I wasn't able to do it. When it came time to hand my fella over to daycare and go back to work I couldn't because I knew it wouldn't work for him. He was only 6 months old and we didn't 'know' then, but I knew it wasn't right for him. (this was after having an older boy who loved daycare). Those feelings are so strong, the need to be there and be the one to care for our special children. You are very brave and strong and ultimately this will benefit your daughter :) Thanks for joining in Blog Gems. Jen

  5. Don't beat yourself up too much! I think the only reason I noticed my son's autism so early was because of a gut feeling I had while pregnant- I was LOOKING for it. Otherwise, it would have taken a while longer for sure. Even with noticing it early, and making a lot of progress, I STILL beat myself up wondering what might I have done to cause or prevent it. I think as a parent, there will always be something. We'll never be perfect, so there will be mistakes. And because we sooo love our little angels, we can't help but feel they DESERVE perfect.