Monday, December 21, 2009

I dream of Jerkwad aka my ex

I had a nightmare last night.   The details are foggy and hazy but I remember the feelings, so forgive me.

There were new "rules" about to be implemented that would prevent me from raising Piper (???) so we had to leave before the "rules" changed. I had all this luggage to prepare and it delayed me so we missed the deadline.  I decided to sneak her away with me Mama Bear style,  and it was chaotic just trying to keep her with me (yup just like our waking life) and then I woke up in a panic.

I'm pretty sure I am subconsiously worried about Jerkwad coming back. He's been hinting for the past 2 weeks , no longer talking about "getting his shit together", instead talking about returning to his "only friend left" (read enabler) whom has offered herself as a refuge in his storm. Awesome.

I cannot bend, I cannot break, I cannot let my co-dependent ways of my past over rule my thinking.  I will protect Piper and I will not let him bully me. I won't! I am not going to allow him to steal my peace.  These past few months I finaly felt safe and have slowly started to unravel the mass of emotions and hurts I've stuffed away for so many years. I refuse to go back to that world of pain and abuse. The idea of having him here again is terrifying. 

I will remain calm and I will not let him have any power over me. I will bend like a reed in the wind and I will not break.

I might need to read this  post over and over to myself though. That's okay right?


  1. I am my ex's "only friend" (his words, not mine), and I find it's essential to be very firm (read: hard-assed) about my boundaries with him. It's exhausting to have to act in a way that feels so cold and cruel. I remind myself that it's actually the kindest thing I can do. Being very concrete means there's no confusion about what I am/am not willing to offer. It takes away that enabling (intentional or not) that prevents him from seeking other suckers (er, I mean friends) to be in his life.

    Stay strong for yourself. Good for you, writing it down. Yes, you may have to read this post over and over, and it's not just all right: It's awesome!

  2. YES. You are so very right Mama Edge! Great advice. I can do it and I will do it!
    You're right about the other suckers er friends too, He's got one hook line and sinker and I found out SHE actually paid for this little visit of his. Interesting...more and more I think we are traveling a very similar path. I'm so glad I found you in the blogosphere sister from another mister!