The Freedom Project

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The Letter

Dearest Pie Maker,

You have a strong heart. You can do this; just keep your focus and don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you know there are enough people in this world to do that for you. 

 LIVE YOUR VALUES!
Prepare. 
You have a battle, tears and a journey ahead. You must begin. 
Take care of yourself so you can be the rock Piper needs, Mama Lioness. 
Get well. 
Imperative, must do. 
Be happy. 
Live as if. 
Quit trying to change him. If that is who he is then that is who he is: focus, focus, focus. No one is going to do it for you. No one is going to "save you" so get over it and do it yourself. Stop asking for his help. Stop talking altogether and just keep doing. 
Get smart. Get ready because here YOU go. You must begin or it's never going to happen for you; get your knowledge and go. 
Please dear, it's time for action. It's time to cut your heart out and shove it down your throat. You can't afford to be your Pollyanna self. 
Get real. Plan. Absorb. Do IT. 

Quit investing in everyone else and start investing in yourself. 

~me

* letter to self written 1/10/2009

The return of Jerkwad part II or Eye of the Tiger

Everyone survived the visit to the fast food family restaurant!! We met as planned. Jerkwad and Pie sat together at one table while she ate. I sat at my own table with a friend to give them privacy but I kept Piper in my vision. He motions me over after about 5 minutes and asked when we could sit down to discuss visitation arrangements. I politely declined to discuss anything in front of Piper and suggested he send me a text to make arrangements. He is irritated by this and rolls his eyes at me. You see Jerkwad has this uncanny ability to argue me into a corner and screw with my rational thinking. He gets my head all turned around. I'm trying to avoid this with the texting or emailing, it makes the communication more clear and less emotional. I am able to focus. He hates it because he can't manipulate me. Which is why I am sure it's the right method.

After another 5 minutes he walks over to my table, leaving Piper still sitting at their table. He says; "obviously you're too busy. I'll see Piper another time" and starts to leave. I begin to object but he just repeats himself and says goodbye to Piper. She hugs him and says goodbye but isn't upset to see him go. As he's walking away he calls back over his shoulder "Daddy doesn't live in California any more so you can see him when ever you want Piper". I am stunned. Guess he's here to stay. We finish our meal say goodbye to my friend and leave for home.

10 minutes.

He lasted 10 minutes.

The return of Jerkwad part 1

Soooo, with no warning but my dreams TA DA! Jerkwad has returned! How do I know? Why a text message at 1130am that says:  Can I come over for a few minutes this evening? I want to see Piper.   He's been 1000 miles away for over a month. Piper has settled into her routine. She's been doing so well. I am afraid that his return will capsize the fragile peace we've carved for ourselves.


 BLARG! I want to pretend this isn't happening to me.

She has missed him. I don't want to shut him out of her life, but he's really off kilter and I'm not comfortable with him being alone with her, he's unstable and not thinking clearly. Pie has no sense of danger and is inappropriately social, with every one. Can you say major recipe for disaster? I knew you could! I agree to let him see her because I know he loves her and I am hoping he will respect the boundaries I  am setting. Ahh, hope that's the old stinger for me; I keep hoping and hope keeps biting me in the arse.

Despite the surprise, I offered to meet him in a public place for a kid friendly dinner.


Jerkwad: after 6pm?

Me: that's too late for us, more like 5

Jerkwad: the earliest I can make it is 5:45

Me: (silent scream) looks like tonight won't work then, how about tomorrow at 5?

Jerkwad: what's the problem? I wouldn't think 45 mins would make that much difference


Me:

Jerkwad: I'm not trying to be difficult I just want to give you this stuff from my sister and visit with Pipes for a few minutes. Okay?

Me: I don't see why I should make accommodations to our schedule when you are unwilling to do the same. 5 is what works today or tomorrow.

Jerkwad: what about Wednesday then or are you too f'n busy that day too?

Me: Wednesday will not work. We have plans. (I was trying to be nice A@@hole and now you're trying to bully me? What else do you have to do? You don't have a job!!)

Jerkwad:  Will you please call me so we can talk about this?

Me: no. I don't see what there is to discuss. You didn't give me any warning. We are living a life. We have a schedule. I can offer you tomorrow at 5.

Jerkwad: Why are you unwilling to communicate? I'm not trying to be a dick. I just want to see my little girl.

Me: I am not unwilling to communicate. I am.

Jerkwad: Fine. I'll be there tomorrow. But I can't help but think you're doing this out of spite. You know Piper wants to see her dad. I didn't think you were like that

Me: ok we will see you at 5 at ___, and ___.

Jerkwad: thanks I guess

Tonight's the meet up. I am hoping for a quick visit that will satisfy his desire to see her. I am not planing on granting him anymore time with her outside of school.  In my opinion his visits must be supervised and I don't want to do it. Once the paperwork is filled and the judge hears our case then the court can decide, for now I'm just doing my best. It sucks.  

Stay tuned.....

I dream of Jerkwad aka my ex

I had a nightmare last night.   The details are foggy and hazy but I remember the feelings, so forgive me.

There were new "rules" about to be implemented that would prevent me from raising Piper (???) so we had to leave before the "rules" changed. I had all this luggage to prepare and it delayed me so we missed the deadline.  I decided to sneak her away with me Mama Bear style,  and it was chaotic just trying to keep her with me (yup just like our waking life) and then I woke up in a panic.

I'm pretty sure I am subconsiously worried about Jerkwad coming back. He's been hinting for the past 2 weeks , no longer talking about "getting his shit together", instead talking about returning to his "only friend left" (read enabler) whom has offered herself as a refuge in his storm. Awesome.

I cannot bend, I cannot break, I cannot let my co-dependent ways of my past over rule my thinking.  I will protect Piper and I will not let him bully me. I won't! I am not going to allow him to steal my peace.  These past few months I finaly felt safe and have slowly started to unravel the mass of emotions and hurts I've stuffed away for so many years. I refuse to go back to that world of pain and abuse. The idea of having him here again is terrifying. 

I will remain calm and I will not let him have any power over me. I will bend like a reed in the wind and I will not break.

I might need to read this  post over and over to myself though. That's okay right?

Again? Already?

So my head is spinning. Is yours? How does this happen to me every year and yet I am so surprised when it does? DECEMBER. Efff.
This month I received a promotion at work where all of a sudden the expectation is that I will stay late at the drop of a hat. umm okay??? Who will pick Piper up from school? This is a very hard thing for me to arrange as I have nearly over stretched every resource I have to be able to work. I am still in the process of getting state sponsored respite care. I am not sure how I am going to pull this off, yet I don't really have any other choice. I need this promotion. I have to provide. It's just me, I am all she's got. Pie's Dad is on the downward spiral (hitting bottom soon?) currently living in his van somewhere in California. Yeah. It's like that. Nice huh? I don't resent it one bit, nu-uh, not at all. (You can smell the sarcasm can't you?) So I am totally alone, no local family support. This is really by design though and the life I chose. My family is cuhrazy and not the harmless kind. I wanted to move and raise my child away from any chance of daily contact with 'em. Pie's Dad's family isn't much better. So here I am, raising a kid with Autism alone. We have a network of friends/support. The friends I've made here in my souls home are  loving and supportive, but they are friends. This isn't their child. This isn't thier fight.

I am taking off a week of work (thankfully paid) because I don't have care for Pie during the school closures. I am optimistic that I might survive! I can only hope with the constant supply of homemade treats and new toys to perseverate over will prevent her from eating my mind alive. My roommate and her daughter ( K  and R) are leaving for the week so it will be just me and Pipes. This is good and bad. What if she likes it so much she tells them to go away when they come home? Heck, she's done that before after they were gone overnight! What the heck will we do? How am I going to keep this kid occupied 24/7? Merrr....

Also, she hates that I go to work. She declares "tomorrow is no school, no work, and just Mommy and Piper".  Geez kid cut my heart out why dontcha? Taking the week off will only reinforce that. What's a gal to do?

I sing the A-team theme to myself. What? Don't judge. You have thinking music too. Don't you?

Meh. I will do as I always do. Make it work.

Sign Sign Everywhere a Sign...

"Sign Sign everywhere a sign
Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?"

Pipes has been a sign making fool as of late. She has a new fascination with the type of sign that features the red circle with a slash through it and understands that this means no. I am now newly acquainted with every type of place you see these types of signs about town. I'm sure you saw that coming but I just felt the need to mention it anyway.

So she has been drawing these hilarious versions of the signs at home. She made one for the bathroom it says: No dogs on you. Bathroom. Means you. I was commanded asked to contribute my dog drawing expertise and drew a picture of a dog and Piper added a big red circle with a line through it and we posted it on the bathroom door. Piper is very satisfied and reads it aloud and quite loudly several times a day.


I'm not sure how dogs being on people in bathrooms offended her so much that it became outlawed round these here parts but you better not even think about it, there's a prohibitory sign!