I dream of Jerkwad aka my ex

I had a nightmare last night.   The details are foggy and hazy but I remember the feelings, so forgive me.

There were new "rules" about to be implemented that would prevent me from raising Piper (???) so we had to leave before the "rules" changed. I had all this luggage to prepare and it delayed me so we missed the deadline.  I decided to sneak her away with me Mama Bear style,  and it was chaotic just trying to keep her with me (yup just like our waking life) and then I woke up in a panic.

I'm pretty sure I am subconsiously worried about Jerkwad coming back. He's been hinting for the past 2 weeks , no longer talking about "getting his shit together", instead talking about returning to his "only friend left" (read enabler) whom has offered herself as a refuge in his storm. Awesome.

I cannot bend, I cannot break, I cannot let my co-dependent ways of my past over rule my thinking.  I will protect Piper and I will not let him bully me. I won't! I am not going to allow him to steal my peace.  These past few months I finaly felt safe and have slowly started to unravel the mass of emotions and hurts I've stuffed away for so many years. I refuse to go back to that world of pain and abuse. The idea of having him here again is terrifying. 

I will remain calm and I will not let him have any power over me. I will bend like a reed in the wind and I will not break.

I might need to read this  post over and over to myself though. That's okay right?

Again? Already?

So my head is spinning. Is yours? How does this happen to me every year and yet I am so surprised when it does? DECEMBER. Efff.
This month I received a promotion at work where all of a sudden the expectation is that I will stay late at the drop of a hat. umm okay??? Who will pick Piper up from school? This is a very hard thing for me to arrange as I have nearly over stretched every resource I have to be able to work. I am still in the process of getting state sponsored respite care. I am not sure how I am going to pull this off, yet I don't really have any other choice. I need this promotion. I have to provide. It's just me, I am all she's got. Pie's Dad is on the downward spiral (hitting bottom soon?) currently living in his van somewhere in California. Yeah. It's like that. Nice huh? I don't resent it one bit, nu-uh, not at all. (You can smell the sarcasm can't you?) So I am totally alone, no local family support. This is really by design though and the life I chose. My family is cuhrazy and not the harmless kind. I wanted to move and raise my child away from any chance of daily contact with 'em. Pie's Dad's family isn't much better. So here I am, raising a kid with Autism alone. We have a network of friends/support. The friends I've made here in my souls home are  loving and supportive, but they are friends. This isn't their child. This isn't thier fight.

I am taking off a week of work (thankfully paid) because I don't have care for Pie during the school closures. I am optimistic that I might survive! I can only hope with the constant supply of homemade treats and new toys to perseverate over will prevent her from eating my mind alive. My roommate and her daughter ( K  and R) are leaving for the week so it will be just me and Pipes. This is good and bad. What if she likes it so much she tells them to go away when they come home? Heck, she's done that before after they were gone overnight! What the heck will we do? How am I going to keep this kid occupied 24/7? Merrr....

Also, she hates that I go to work. She declares "tomorrow is no school, no work, and just Mommy and Piper".  Geez kid cut my heart out why dontcha? Taking the week off will only reinforce that. What's a gal to do?

I sing the A-team theme to myself. What? Don't judge. You have thinking music too. Don't you?

Meh. I will do as I always do. Make it work.

Sign Sign Everywhere a Sign...

"Sign Sign everywhere a sign
Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?"

Pipes has been a sign making fool as of late. She has a new fascination with the type of sign that features the red circle with a slash through it and understands that this means no. I am now newly acquainted with every type of place you see these types of signs about town. I'm sure you saw that coming but I just felt the need to mention it anyway.

So she has been drawing these hilarious versions of the signs at home. She made one for the bathroom it says: No dogs on you. Bathroom. Means you. I was commanded asked to contribute my dog drawing expertise and drew a picture of a dog and Piper added a big red circle with a line through it and we posted it on the bathroom door. Piper is very satisfied and reads it aloud and quite loudly several times a day.


I'm not sure how dogs being on people in bathrooms offended her so much that it became outlawed round these here parts but you better not even think about it, there's a prohibitory sign!

What Would Oprah Do?

I'm blogging on a Friday night. I'm a single mom so there are few other prospects for fun. Alas, I promised Oprah so...

I share a desk at work. The desk space is so valuable that every minute my office is open it must be utilized. Ok, not really I'm just one of the few lucky ones on the 5am crew up to greet the East Coast each day and so my desk is available at 1:30pm. At which time I leave it's Formica goodness and run my butt down to pick up my gal from school.

My desk mate is a sweet woman who is very respectful and shares well. We decorate our little corner of the world. All of the ladies do. ( Did I mention I work with 99% women? Oh yeah, well I do.) Her contributions to our shared space are thought provoking and interesting. Some are just plain funny. We need the humor, as our jobs can be quite stressful.

She has among her other treasures, a photocopied picture of Oprah. Old school O, with her news anchor hair and her patented 'youcantrustme smile'. On the pic is a post-it that says W.W.O.D.?

I often find myself giggling at the idea of her asking herself this, pondering the her own Oprahness.

But I really do wonder sometimes, "What would Oprah do?"

TRANSITION, Transition, transition!

It seems today that every area of my life is in transition.


New house, check.
New position at work, check.
New schedule, check.
New friends, check.
New school year, check.

Fortunately it's school that saves us. The routine of going to school has changed (new roommate taking her instead of Dad) but we are blessed to have T. again this year AND next, so the back to school transition is one area with very little change. Whew!

Why so much transition you ask?

Like many parents of children on the spectrum (whoa! 80% yikes), my marriage has crumbled. We are divorcing. It hurts. A lot. I feel unhinged and free. It's intoxicating and frightening all at the same time. I've moved out of a home we had lived in for 5 years with our daughter and have found another single mama to live with. (That statement makes it sound easier than it was.) Everything is new after 10 years of sameness. I don't know what I want for our future. I don't know who I am anymore, and the self I left behind 10 years ago isn't a good fit for me anymore. ( Plus, I can't fit into her clothes!)

It was my decision to leave. Our marriage had become an un healthy attachment for both of us and I was feeling resentful and angry. DH has been in a downward spiral since his brother died over 5 years ago. Followed by loss of his job, then loss of his career, then Piper's dx and the economic downturn which has forced us to sell our home. I may go into the details of his slide into oblivion in another post but not today.

Sigh.

Not today.

After much reflection and breast beating, I decided my best option was to strike out on my own with my daughter. Leave, and don't look back.

So I did. Whew.

The Still

I love my daughter. I love her small snoring sounds as I kiss her in the quiet stillness of pre-Dawn. The cat that cannot tolerate her during her waking hours is curled at her feet, content in her nearness and warmth. I creep out silent at 4:30am and drive to work.

I put a smile on my face. I play the part; I'm your biggest fan, your support, the one whose always got your back, your cheerleader. GO TEAM! RA RA RA! I make it look easy, effortless, when in reality it takes every ounce of courage I have to leave her there, sleeping. It is gut wrenching, the need to shield and protect her, it defies reason and leaves me raw. It is like having my heart on the outside of my body, un protected, on display. The guilt is my constant companion. My BFF.

Each night during our bedtime ritual she states ; "mommy no work" with such conviction that I almost believe it myself. I want to believe it. I also want to pay my bills. She remembers the time I didn't work, those blissful 3 years where I was her world and she my only priority (much to her father's dismay). Those days seemed endless then, but end they did. I returned to the workforce when she was three almost four. We were desperate as my Husband hadn't worked for 9 months. I landed the job the day after her evaluation for autism.

I lament the time lost. I HAD all that time and I DIDN'T KNOW what to do with it. I didn't know what I had..... or what she had......

I'm sorry sweet girl, I didn't know.

I'm going to try and make it better. I promise.